My wife found a black Lululemon headband in our bathroom.
She doesn’t own a black Lululemon headband, and it’s not something my mom or the housekeeper would wear.
It was the kind of style a younger woman might wear.
She got really threatened by it and asked, “Whose is this?”
I said, “I don’t know.”
In that moment, it was one of the few times I’d ever seen her get truly suspicious, even accusatory.
She asked, “Whose effing headband is this?”
Common Responses in Conflict
Now, here’s the thing—most people would react in one of two ways.
- Defensive Mode
- You feel criticized and attacked, so you defend yourself and get aggressive.
- You might hammer back with, “What do you mean? You know where I am! Check my phone!”
- This can really get into an attack, defend, attack, defend kind of horrible argument, escalating like a rocket ship.
- Shutting Down
- You freeze, go quiet, and just go cold.
- You emotionally withdraw, leaving your partner hanging without any reassurance.
- Some people even say, “I can’t deal with this,” and drive off in their car, physically removing themselves from the confrontation.
From a clinical standpoint, we see these responses as 2 ways of reacting when you’re outside your window of tolerance.
Understanding the Window of Tolerance
When you’re faced with something difficult to handle, there’s only so much stress you can handle.
We call this the window of tolerance.
When you’re above the window of tolerance, you are hyper aroused.
You’ll get defensive and loud, and you’ll fight—think of it as your fight or flight.
Then, on the opposite side, there’s hypo arousal.
This is where you go Quite.
It’s the equivalent of running away, but because physically you can’t run away, you freeze and go quiet like a turtle.
Calm Communication: Responding to Her Pain
In a calm tone, I asked, “What are you trying to say, honey?”
She said, “Is this another woman’s?”
I replied, “Of course not, but I get it—this is confusing and upsetting. Let’s figure it out together.”
By putting myself in her shoes, I validated her feelings.
I even said, “If I found something like another man’s sock by your bed, I’d lose my mind too.”
This acknowledgment provided comfort.
With calmness, we figured it out quickly.
If I’d reacted defensively, we might’ve fought for days, and clarity would’ve been harder to reach.
The headband turned out to belong to our babysitter who had left it here weeks ago and was looking for it everywhere.
Handling Conflicts is not that difficult…
When accused, if you didn’t do anything wrong (or even if you did), own your actions and invite the other person’s emotions.
Say, “I messed up; you’re right to be mad, and we need to fix this.”
Allow them to express their pain.
Often, people yell because they feel unheard.
By acknowledging that pain, you defuse the anger and open up a solution-oriented conversation.
Whether or not you’re at fault, focus on acknowledging your partner’s feelings.
Start by validating, then work toward resolution.
If they’re upset, first deal with the pain—whether it’s frustration, hurt, or anger.
By mirroring their emotions first, you show that you “UNDERSTAND”.
This helps you engage without freezing up or getting defensive.
This approach builds trust and makes it easier for both of you to talk openly and find a real solution.
P.S. – If you scrolled down looking for the end, it’s tucked somewhere in the middle. So go ahead, read the whole thing! 😊
P.P.S — When done right, arguments can actually bring you both closer. Now, this doesn’t mean you go start a fight to make your marriage stronger. But you can learn how with our free, easy-to-follow communication guide here.
